Introducing....Iris, the Queen Bee (or Wannabe?)

Well…my annoying little brother has been pestering me about introducing myself to the…let’s see…zero readers of this blog. Pfft! Who wants to hear about the butt sniffing, private-area licking and girly yelping of that smelly mutt? “Small, white and fluffy,” my tail! More like scraggly fur, tinged with whatever he’s managed to roll in on any given day!

I am doing this for three reasons only:

1. As a public service – everyone has a right to know that a higher intelligence exists. Here I am! You have been worshipping false idols! But it is not too late for redemption – I accept tuna and Mastercard. Have your people contact my people about making offerings.
2. Because, if I don’t, Oscar’s pitiful blog will get no readers and then he will return to pestering me into playing the endlessly fascinating game of Chasing One’s Tail.
3. Because there has been some suggestion that I am a tub of lard. I resent the insinuation! I am no such thing! This is simply my winter coat. It has grown fuller and thicker over the years as the humans insist on denying me access to my rightful bed, in the master bedroom.

Things I hate:

• Baths...
• Too many others to mention.

You will pay for this human...

Things I like:

• Eating.
• Sunning myself in the garden bed, preferably on strawberry leaves or freshly planted flowers.
• Staring at the guinea pigs in their run. I am told they are my sisters…but that’s just until they try to escape…then, they are lunch.
• Messing with my human’s head: dashing past her when she’s walking in the backyard at night, climbing up on the second story windowsill when she’s watching TV, asking to be let in then dawdling outside in the rain until she gives up and comes outside to pick me up, getting wet in the process. What fun!
• Swiping my annoying little brother (tee hee!).
• Punishing my human’s failure to pay me proper respect: turning my back to her and staring at an empty wall for hours or until she repents. And offers tuna.
• Eating.
• Sleeping.
• Eating.

So there you have it mortals, the leader of the household has deigned to introduce herself.

Oscar: *cough* *cough*

Before

After/Food zombie is watching you....